Random THoughts.

I was cleaning up my room when I opened a drawer to throw in some stuff. Then I saw a box that instantly got my attention. It took me a second or two then I remembered that it wasn’t really the box itself that made we want to spend some time browsing it but what's inside. A box full of love letters, intimate pictures, restaurant receipts and so on. Even some weird things I had kept for its sentimental values. It was “our” box. Ha-ha. Those days… It has already been more than a year since we broke up, yet I can still remember everything like it was only yesterday.

Box Item No. 1: 
McDonald Receipt 
November 08, 2005
Tuesday
15:56 pm

He was a new guy in the campus yet he eventually became popular even in the upper classmen. Probably because we found out that he was recruited by a coach to play in our school’s basketball team. A star player? I wonder. LOL. As far as I know, there are a lot of girls, even from our class, who became his admirer but some are intimidated because he looked snobbish and unfriendly. I wasn’t interested with other people’s life back then so I just let them be. But during an interschool sports tournament, I found myself falling for him..

They had a game scheduled later that afternoon while my team and i just finished our game. We sat at the side of the court waiting for further instructions when suddenly his coach scolded at him after finding out that he haven’t eaten anything yet. Then his coach went towards me and asks me to accompany the guy and make sure he’ll eat. Argh! Of all the people sitting there, why did that coach of him choose me to go with that guy. I wanted to watch the nect game. Anyway, we left the court immediately and I, knowing my task—make sure he’ll eat, asked him what he wanted so we could go back fast. The only reply I got was ‘anything’. Err. For a moment I thought that he’s really a hard-headed unfriendly snobbish guy. But then he said, “I rarely eat outside. I usually eat at home so I guess I have to eat anything available here.” I was like, “Ehhhh? Really?" -- a guy like him rarely eats outside? was he a mommy's boy? or what?. then he gave me that weird look in his face. >_<; I guess he really was serious. So what I did was look for the closest fast food in the area. And that was it, we found McDonald. When we got there, I ordered his food coz he said he dislikes ordering from the counter. And there we were, sitted in the corner table in the 2nd floor of the building. He ate the food while I sat there watching. He was so cute and gentle. I wondered what type of girl he wants to be with. Then i realized i wanted that girl to be me. ~

“It’s childish to think that if you simply allow the world to spin around you and let things happen, everything will be okay. Life is not merely an existence, it’s an experience.”

Go with the flow or against? It’s been awhile since I really care. Changes, should I just accept it whole-heartedly for it is something constant or should I try and stop it? Syempre mas madali kung hahayaan na lang na lumipas ang lahat, pero hindi ko ba pagsisisihan toh pag dating ng panahon? Anong gagawin ko? Pakiramdam ko konti na lang ang natitirang oras para subukang ayusin ang lahat. Nappressure ako. Time is something we can’t control. Bumibilis pag ayaw mo pang matapos ang sandali at bumabagal pag gusto mo ng matapos ang lahat. Ang gulo. Nakakainis. Pero wala kang magagawa. So bakit mo pa pproblemahin toh? Iba na lang. Ung mas may sense.

 “Nobody has the power to make things perfect, but everyone is given countless chances to make things right.”

Should I take the initiative or dapat ba kong mag antay? Ako lang ba ang nakakakita ng tama at maling ngyayari sa paligid? Kung hindi, ako lang ba ang namomroblema about dito? Wala ba kayong balak gawin? Mas pinili nyo bang hayaan ang lahat at maging manhid sa sakit na nararamdaman nyo? Asan ang iba? Bakit ako lang? 

Dear you,

Thou shall assume it was for me.

After this letter and it turns out that im right, then i wish for everything between us to be clear and okay. if not then let this be my final rant about the issue and soon, i hope everything turns out well.

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."

Sad. Late ko na narealize yan. Too late that i already decided to move on. After that night, memories rushed through my mind. haha. Ansaya natin noon noh? Uber bonding. so that was it? Nakakatawa. I choose not to believe sa mga sinasabi niya/nilang sinabi mo, kase kahit kelan hindi mo pinakita sakin ung side mong un. Dense ako? Maybe. But those days were so dark for me. Kaya nga nawala ako ng isang sem e. It was a 'need' more than a 'want' thing to do. Oh well.

"You made me stand on my feet again, but i fell again when you left."

haha. i used to hate guys. After what happened sa first relationship ko, nainis ako sa mga guys. Pare-pareho lang naman ang mga lalaki. Pero dahil sayo, nawala yun. SHould i be happy and thank you for doing that? Or should i be sad and contented, kase hanggang dun lang un. Hanggang sa pagtulong lang sakin bumangon. nothing more.

"I wished for nothing beyond your smile, and to walk with you thus, hand in hand, along the path we choose to take."

Nasabi ko na toh sakanila at ngayon sasabihin ko na dito. mabasa mo man o hindi, ayos lang. haha. Hindi ko nakita/nakikitang 'tayo'. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. pero un e. kung masaktan ka pagnabasa mo toh, Sorry. at kung hindi e sorry pa rin. haha. Masaya na sana ako kung anong meron tayo dati. pero sad, nagbago/nagbabago na ang lahat. dahil sakin? dahil sayo? Ewan ko. Hindi ko din alam.

"They both fell in love with each other but neither were brave enough to admit the truth simply because neither one of them were willing to lose their friendship.."

Natawa ako nung nabasa ko toh, haha. para kaseng patama. pero di ko din sure kse di ko naman alam kung ano ba tlga ang side mo. Yes, i value our friendship more than anything else, ewan ko lang sayo haha. Thus ito na ang huling rant ko about dito. Ayokong saktan ka, pero mas ayokong saktan siya. Minahal kita pero gaya mo di na kasing bigat tulad nung dati. Aamin ako na meron pa pero sigurado na kong, ayoko na.

Sabi nila maging selfish ako, ito na un. Sinusubukan ko ng maging selfish. pero natatakot pa rin ako.Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat iexpect na magiging reaction mo. Natatakot ako sa magiging reaction ng mga tao. Maaring magpanggap ka na naman na wala lang. Na hindi mo alam na para sayo toh. Natatakot akong lumayo ka pa lalo dahil dito, at makalimutan ang pinagsamahan natin. Pero kailangan ng matapos toh. Gusto ko na ding maging masaya. Kung may sasabihin ka, open ako. magsabi ka lang, makikinig ako.

PS: Tapusin na natin ang lahat ng issue, gusto ko ng maging masaya naman tayo. Andami ng nabuong wall. Ndi na tlga sya nakakatuwa. 
Love,

Dear someone,

thank you for letting me be that person..

i never intended anything else but to help you achieve that hapiness you desire..

i mightve had seen through you but i wasnt sure enough so i just shrugged it off..

and because i also care about you, i ideally didnt want you to get more messed up..

but it went the other way around..

ive always been so selfish and unconciously i was hurting you..

so i wanna say sorry..

now im gonna be unselfish for everyone's sake and for my own selfish reasons..

i want you to be okay..to move on..and be happy..

and i know soon you will be..

everything make sense now..

and i feel guilty that i made it too complicated for a lot of people and that this had to become way out of hand..

i wont ask for anything else..

do what makes you happy..

i want you to always be there like before but as you've said its not the right thing to do..

so go..

you're not hopeless..

i/we will always be here for you..

u can't stop being selfish but you can learn to control it.

u cant stop assuming, just understand that what you assume may or may not be right/correct.

and dont stop dreaming.

life ends when you stop dreaming.

you're right.we need to get a grip. Hold on, coz we wont let it happen again...

Isolating yourself from the people who love you is not loneliness nor independence, but a great sense of stupidity.

Mangmang. Inutil. Walang alam. Bobo. Naturingang iskolar ng bayan pero pagdating sa pag-ibig wala na atang ginawang tama. Nasaktan si ganito, pinaasa si ganyan, sinasaktan si ano. Endless. Naiinis kapag pinagsasabihan ng mga kaibigan kaya pinili na lang lumayo at mapag-isa. Akala makakapag isip ng matino kung mag isa. At akala makakagalaw na ng maayos at tama kapag walang kasama. Strong eh. Hindi kailangan ng kahit sino o kahit anong tulong. Umabsent sa class. Nalipasan ng gutom. Namaho sa walang awat na pagmumura at pagsisi sa mga bagay na nangyari na. Naapektuhan ang acads, naapektuhan ang pamilya, naapektuhan ang buhay. Wala pang isang taon pero andami ng nangyari. Nadisappoint ang magulang, dinisappoint ang kaibigan, disappointed sa sarili. Stupid.